Marriage Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inilah istilah2 komputer dalam bahasa malaysia.
Beginilah akibatnya kalau orang Malaysia menerjemahkan istilah-istilah komputer. Silakan simak !
hardware = barang keras
software = barang lembut
joystick = batang bahagia
plug and play = cucuk
main port = lubang
server = pelayan
client = pelanggan
Muncul suatu iklan dalam bahasa Inggris:
"That server gives a plug and play service to the clients using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client."
Iklan tersebut diterjemahkan dalam bahasa Malaysia :
"Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan mempergunakan batang bahagia jenis keras atau lembut. Batang bahagia itu dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ORANG AMERIKA,JEPANG,KALAH SM ORANG INDONESIA (no rasis)
Keheningan di dalam ruangan sauna pecah oleh bunyi, '..bip,...bip, ....bip.. ....'. Seorang Amerika kemudian membuka telapak tangan kirinya, dan membaca tulisan yang tertulis di telapak tangannya itu. Dua rekan yang ada di tempat sauna kagum melihat pesan yang bisa muncul di telapak tangan orang Amerika tersebut.
"Oh, telapak tangan saya telah ditanamkan chips, sehingga saya dapat langsung menerima pesan SMS tanpa alat, tertulis di telapak tangan saya," ujar si Amerika.
Sesaat kemudian terdengar dering telepon, orang Jepang mengangkat tangan kanannya, jempol didekatkan ke telinga sedangkan jari kelingking kebibirnya, Oh maaf, saya terima telepon dulu, tangan saya sudah berisi chips, saya dapat menerima dan berbicara melalui dua jari saya tanpa menggunakan HP, kata si Jepang.
Melihat semua itu, sahabat kita dari Indonesia mulai gugup, 'Apa yang bisa saya tunjukkan untuk mengalahkan orang orang ini?' pikirnya. Karena stress, keinginannya untuk buang air besar tidak tertahankan lagi.
Usai buang air, dia kembali lagi ke ruang sauna, tetapi karena tidak biasa membasuh bokongnya dengan kertas toilet, seuntai kertas toilet masih berjuntai di belahan bokongnya.
Dengan keheranan dan jijik orang Jepang dan orang Amerika menunjuk ke untaian kertas 'sisa' tersebut dan berkata, "Kertas apa itu yang tergantung di bokong anda?"
"Oh maaf, saya baru terima Fax..!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kalah Ukuran
SEORANG pria Prancis yang memiliki ukuran anu wah size, berkeliling di sebuah pusat pertokoan obat-obatan Asia. Dengan maksud ingin memamerkan anu-nya yang 'wah'.
Si Prancis berpura-pura hendak membeli kondom di setiap toko yang ia masuki. Di sebuah toko obat milik orang Indonesia, tanpa ragu-ragu si Prancis menghampiri penjaga toko.
"Ada jual kondom?" tanyanya sambil menimang-nimang anunya.
Penjaga toko dengan gagap menjawab, "Ti... ti... ti... tidak ada mister!?"
Dengan bangga si Prancis pun keluar toko sambil melihat-lihat toko yang lain. Lalu ia masuk ke sebuah toko obat lain yang pemiliknya orang Cina.
Bertanya lagi si Prancis "Ada jual kondom?!" sambil tetap menimang-nimang anunya.
Si penjaga toko dengan terbata-bata berkata, "Haiya..ukulan anu tuang,.. di sini tidak... adaa... haiya!?"
Kembali si Prancis keluar toko dengan bangga.
Begitu terus kelakuan si Prancis pada setiap toko obat yang ia lalui.
Sampai si Prancis mencoba masuk ke toko obat milik orang Arab. Kebetulan waktu itu yang menjaga toko adalah pemiliknya sendiri, karena pembantunya yang juga orang Arab sedang merapihkan gudang.
Masuklah si Prancis, kemudian dia menghampiri pemilik toko obat tersebut. Seperti yang sudah-sudah kembali si Prancis dengan maksud memamerkan 'benda pusaka'-nya, ia bertanya kepada pemilik toko,
"Ehmm. Ada jual kondom ukuran ini?!" tanya si Prancis sambil menunjuk ke anunya.
Dengan sikap melayani pembeli, berkata pemilik toko. "Tunggu sebentar, pelayan saya ada di belakang."
Dengan logat Arab yang kental,pemilik toko berkata kepada pembantunya. "Ahmad... tolong ambilkan kondom ukuran anak-anak!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inilah istilah2 komputer dalam bahasa malaysia.
Beginilah akibatnya kalau orang Malaysia menerjemahkan istilah-istilah komputer. Silakan simak !
hardware = barang keras
software = barang lembut
joystick = batang bahagia
plug and play = cucuk
main port = lubang
server = pelayan
client = pelanggan
Muncul suatu iklan dalam bahasa Inggris:
"That server gives a plug and play service to the clients using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client."
Iklan tersebut diterjemahkan dalam bahasa Malaysia :
"Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan mempergunakan batang bahagia jenis keras atau lembut. Batang bahagia itu dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ORANG AMERIKA,JEPANG,KALAH SM ORANG INDONESIA (no rasis)
Keheningan di dalam ruangan sauna pecah oleh bunyi, '..bip,...bip, ....bip.. ....'. Seorang Amerika kemudian membuka telapak tangan kirinya, dan membaca tulisan yang tertulis di telapak tangannya itu. Dua rekan yang ada di tempat sauna kagum melihat pesan yang bisa muncul di telapak tangan orang Amerika tersebut.
"Oh, telapak tangan saya telah ditanamkan chips, sehingga saya dapat langsung menerima pesan SMS tanpa alat, tertulis di telapak tangan saya," ujar si Amerika.
Sesaat kemudian terdengar dering telepon, orang Jepang mengangkat tangan kanannya, jempol didekatkan ke telinga sedangkan jari kelingking kebibirnya, Oh maaf, saya terima telepon dulu, tangan saya sudah berisi chips, saya dapat menerima dan berbicara melalui dua jari saya tanpa menggunakan HP, kata si Jepang.
Melihat semua itu, sahabat kita dari Indonesia mulai gugup, 'Apa yang bisa saya tunjukkan untuk mengalahkan orang orang ini?' pikirnya. Karena stress, keinginannya untuk buang air besar tidak tertahankan lagi.
Usai buang air, dia kembali lagi ke ruang sauna, tetapi karena tidak biasa membasuh bokongnya dengan kertas toilet, seuntai kertas toilet masih berjuntai di belahan bokongnya.
Dengan keheranan dan jijik orang Jepang dan orang Amerika menunjuk ke untaian kertas 'sisa' tersebut dan berkata, "Kertas apa itu yang tergantung di bokong anda?"
"Oh maaf, saya baru terima Fax..!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kalah Ukuran
SEORANG pria Prancis yang memiliki ukuran anu wah size, berkeliling di sebuah pusat pertokoan obat-obatan Asia. Dengan maksud ingin memamerkan anu-nya yang 'wah'.
Si Prancis berpura-pura hendak membeli kondom di setiap toko yang ia masuki. Di sebuah toko obat milik orang Indonesia, tanpa ragu-ragu si Prancis menghampiri penjaga toko.
"Ada jual kondom?" tanyanya sambil menimang-nimang anunya.
Penjaga toko dengan gagap menjawab, "Ti... ti... ti... tidak ada mister!?"
Dengan bangga si Prancis pun keluar toko sambil melihat-lihat toko yang lain. Lalu ia masuk ke sebuah toko obat lain yang pemiliknya orang Cina.
Bertanya lagi si Prancis "Ada jual kondom?!" sambil tetap menimang-nimang anunya.
Si penjaga toko dengan terbata-bata berkata, "Haiya..ukulan anu tuang,.. di sini tidak... adaa... haiya!?"
Kembali si Prancis keluar toko dengan bangga.
Begitu terus kelakuan si Prancis pada setiap toko obat yang ia lalui.
Sampai si Prancis mencoba masuk ke toko obat milik orang Arab. Kebetulan waktu itu yang menjaga toko adalah pemiliknya sendiri, karena pembantunya yang juga orang Arab sedang merapihkan gudang.
Masuklah si Prancis, kemudian dia menghampiri pemilik toko obat tersebut. Seperti yang sudah-sudah kembali si Prancis dengan maksud memamerkan 'benda pusaka'-nya, ia bertanya kepada pemilik toko,
"Ehmm. Ada jual kondom ukuran ini?!" tanya si Prancis sambil menunjuk ke anunya.
Dengan sikap melayani pembeli, berkata pemilik toko. "Tunggu sebentar, pelayan saya ada di belakang."
Dengan logat Arab yang kental,pemilik toko berkata kepada pembantunya. "Ahmad... tolong ambilkan kondom ukuran anak-anak!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ternyata apa yg kita pikirkan tidak sesuai kenyataan, kadang menjengkelkan dan kadang membuat kita terpingkal..
BalasHapus